i want to punch money in the face

"If you let go of money, you'll be richer than you could ever imagine."

That resonated in my head late last night after paying a heinous monthly payment for A's car. To be fair, I use it just as much as she does, but if you knew me and money, you'd understand.

I've been a slave to money for as long as I can remember. I'm like a miser. But a poor miser. Not having anything resembling Ebeneezer Scrooge money. And it's odd...the poorer I've been, the happier I've been. But, not "happy" like a loon, but more like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I could breathe - borrowed air to be sure - but things were lifted nonetheless.

The more money I accumulated, the more I wanted to hold on to it at times like it was life itself. Then, strangely, I also wanted to spend it. Money isn't sane. In fact, I find it's the furthest thing from sanity. I don't act right when money has the wheel. And most people I know don't either. You have to be some kind of awesome to not become a puppet to money's will.

I used to know the name of the idol people worshipped in the name of money. And not "worshipped" like gave offerings and tithed to, because that defeats the purpose of loving, and being hated by, money. No, there was this name, this something, that people named money in order to rise it above all else. Neither can I remember it, nor locate it on Google. Maybe I dreamt it up. But, that'd be one lousy dream. I want my sleep back.

Anyhoo...I used to be a chaser of money, even when it never wanted to chase me back. We'd play hide n' seek, but it never wanted to be "it." And, in many respects, I still am under it's power. I always say...

                   "The bills don't pay themselves."

So how does someone free themselves of this burden? Turn the tables on money and make it serve us? I guess that's the $1 million dollar question.

                                               Wait...can we make it $2 million?

             Just kidding.

All I know is that I want the weightless freedom being - quite literally - penniless brings, but with pennies involved. But, before you start thinking I'm advocating that being poor is the way to happiness - THINK AGAIN! It is soooo not. And I'm probably jumping the gun and saying I was "poor" when I was just "superlower income." I did have a rented apartment roof over my head...it's just my overdue payment-needing cell phone rang every five seconds with another company threatening to chew my credit down to the nubs if I didn't pay up. Fast forward to today: 20-something Brennan really screwed with 30-something Brennan's financial options.

I mean there is really poor, and then there was me. Sometimes I didn't eat a meal because there was no money in bank, but I never told anyone because that's pretty embarrassing. Who wants to look like they have no control over their money, or worse yet, have no money to control?

I had a full-time job (most the time) and was going full-time to school. Student loans were the only option, so I trotted further down the bad credit spiral staircase because, "money now, pay way way later" sounds great to real world newbies like I was. And don't forget the credit card companies cramming dreamy cards with nightmarish expectations down our throats either. Nobody learns how to properly manage money or even balance a checkbook in high school, yet we're supposed to automatically know how to when we graduate? Lame.

All this is not to incite pity for me...or riots in the streets. To be quite honest with you, this post is for one person: A. I wanted her to know, that I know, that instead of being so quick to honor and value the filthy beast known as money...I should be even quicker to honor and value the beautiful woman that I'm going to marry.

                           I dislike money.

                                         I love her.